Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

9/8/10

MovieMayor Bans Midnight Screenings!

My fellow nite-owls:

As Midnight Madness Blog Editor, it really pains me to do this, but I must share the news that Bert Xanadu, mayor of Toronto and owner/operator of the Imperial Six cinema, has enacted the seldom-used civic order 3.2.1.1, calling for an immediate ban on all midnight screenings in Toronto the Good.

Although I've disagreed with Xanadu's policies in the past (cutting sidecars from all Toronto Police motorcycles?), I dare say this monopolistic, vitalis-soaked Rosedale dweller has finally gone too far.

Here's the official press release, received earlier this morning. Throw 140 characters of vitriol his way on Twitter (@moviemayor). We're gonna fight this, okay folks?

"Gentlemen, ladies and miscreants,

Along with police car convertibles, more flattering lighting in subway stations, and the introduction of an annual 'unlimited u-turns day' on city streets, my re-election campaign promises include a ban on midnight movie screenings, effective immediately.

Why? Aside from fostering unnatural public intercourse at a time of day when the culturally immature should be solitary, such screenings will only fatten the burgeoning coffers of the turgid projectionists' union, which is directly controlled by elements of several interwoven Andorran crime syndicates.

But perhaps most importantly, from a showman's perspective, night owl unspoolings are a bust! No one lines up at midnight to see Fred McMurray or Agnes Moorehead, come on!! The ne'er-do-well Geddes Amusement Corporation cinema chain (well, if you can call three converted pissoirs in Toledo, Wingham and the Azores a 'cinema chain'...) tried a ''midnight-only" exhibition policy for six months and went completely bust, its ushers left to fend for themselves as farmhands.

Convinced?

However, commencing tomorrow, I will offer free admission to theatres 5 and 6 of the Imperial Six for the following films:

#1 CALL HIM MR. SHATTER (Theatre 5 - runs 10:12 am until 10:59 pm curfew)

I’m not too shy to say I wrote the poster cutline for this grabbing actioner! “Mr. Shatter isn't crushproof, but cross him and he'll put you in a box!” I especially liked its Turkish release title PROFESYONEL KATIL – I think you can guess what ‘KATIL’ means!!! Although he looks bored on the poster, you can bet that Mr. Stuart Whitman brought all of his animal charms and innate acting skills to the scenes not involving karate, kung fu, Thai boxing and taekwondo. What else could you expect from an actor with such credits as TV’s LOVE AMERICAN STYLE and WALT DISNEY’S WONDERFUL WORLD OF COLOUR!?

#2 THE CHINESE CONNECTION (Theatre 6 - runs 12:34 pm until 10:59 pm curfew)

I’m not a violent man. But when a vile and opportunistic charlatan opens a rival usher school across the street from mine in Shanghai, well, the fuse is lit, monsieur! I wiped the decks with that scoundrel and his flea-bitten students, using my own patented ‘splice fist’ technique. Lo and behold, years later, gentleman warrior Mr. Bruce Lee buys the rights to my story, adapts it to his own milieu and talents and voila! THE CHINESE CONNECTION is drop-kicked onto screens (it was originally known as FIST OF FURY, but I’d already paid to have the CONNECTION lobby cards printed, as an homage to my buddy Roy Scheider).

Signed,

Mayor Bert Xanadu
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Don't give in to this old-timey bait & switch. Besides, the Imperial doesn't have a beach ball and the Ryerson's much cozier. We'll see you all tomorrow at midnight!

You can purchase tickets from the official TIFF website.